Tribute to Doc J

Last year I took Honors Physics with a teacher we, at PHS, affectionately call "Doc J." Dr. James Miller, former high-level employee at Phizer, has spent years teaching because he has nothing better to do (he's loaded). He's a great teacher and has given us a lot of fun along the way.
Here's a list compiled by the liberal everyone loves to hate: Elie Blimes.

Master List of Doc J Quotes 2004-2005

"One guy screws up, y'all pay."
"Y'all be sitting in the hall enjoying the sunshine."
"They propagate the amplitudes; the amplitude propagates in an opposite direction."
Doc J: "You'll get your test back the last ten minutes of class."
Erin: "You just said the first ten minutes."
Doc J: "Well, I lied. If I did that you wouldn't pay attention to a word I said."
Us: "We don't do that anyway."
"I'm on a mission from God."
Doc J: "For those of you who have taken...uh...AP...uh...uh..."
Someone: "AP Lit?"
Doc J: "AP Chem. And AP Lit won't help you, unless you have a really weird teacher."
"There are 1500 different formulas to describe the wavelength of light."
"It's reflected across a meer. I look at a meer, I get scared."
"What is Gauss's Law?"
Perry: "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."
"Your choices are slim to none and slim just left town."
Doc J: "I'd be looking at Matt..."
Perry: "You'd be looking at me."
Doc J: "I'll look at you later."
Doc J: "All right."
Erin: "It's 12:05."
Doc J: "I know. That's why I said all right."
Us: "He says it 80 times a class anyway."
Doc J: "Yeah, I know. I say it all the time."
Perry, taking test: "Thanks, J. Sorry, Doctor J."
Doc J: "Oh, it's O.K. I'm not big on titles."
Perry: "That's good."
Doc J: "Hey, you can calls me Ray or you can calls me Jay."
Doc J, passing back test: "Ryan Hill?"
"This reminds me of a story. There's only five minutes between a C and an A."
Perry: "What's the word of the day?"
Doc J: "There's only five minutes between a C and an A."
Perry: "So that's the phrase of the day."
Doc J: "No, that's the word. I call it a word."
The test has "ICA-4QM” written in the space for test number.
Me: "Doc J, what does ICA-4QM1 stand for?"
Doc J: "In-class assignment, fourth quarter, magnetism one."
"How could you not have calculators? You guys are all nerds."
"I didn't like working there because my coworkers kept shafting me"
"If Mrs. Driscoll saw me do this she'd roll in her grave" [she's alive]
"We all have to set realistic goals...mine is to lose 10 pounds in a year"
"If you're fooling around in class you'll be fooling around with me in the prep room after school...my prep room needs cleaning out"
"Now....we have r... [Brandon: Arrrrrrr!] ...yes! Arrrr!... [class: Arrrrrr!] ....Arrrrr!...now shh..."
"[to Ryan Hall, who is dressed in costume] I used to date a girl who looked like that...she was from Pennsylvania or something"
"You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray Jay- it makes no difference"
"S.H.U.T.U.P. Shut up! If you're not quiet I'm going to put my size 11 foot up your ass!"
"Now, I haven't had to break out the size 11s yet, but if I don't have quiet..."
"This problem is about the birds and the bees..."
"Now I think this is a little complex to teach to freshmen" [we're all juniors and seniors]
"The class average was a 52, which is good for a physics test"
"If you use the wrong units, Skeletor will be happy because he'll eat you”
"Next week I'm gonna give you an optional mini quiz."
"The test will have 25 questions, which will take you 1-3 minutes each."
"The way the supplementary test works is that I'm gonna average it with your poorest test of the quarter. Therefore, it can only help you."
"Jen next, Joe next, uh, uh [wags finger at Ryan] uh, uh, yeah."
"The height is analogous to the distance."
"I've always been considered borderline criminal wherever I worked."
"The ying yang is very important."
"Thermodynamics. Thermo...thermodynamics..thermodynamic

s...dynamics.. .thermodynamics."
"These are my words after reading 1000 different books."
"it...it...it...err..."
"There are two forms of the right hand rule--the karate chop and the finger curl. It's taken me two years to get it."
"It's very graphic. You'll see some pictures of this next week."
Perry and I: "I hope so."
“Next person who talks is going to spend some quality time in the hall—no warning. It’s not good for you to sit in the hall looking like a dolt.”
“Molecularlrly.”
“Kappa is Greek for K.”
“The third concept…” [points to #4]
“An atom is a mini magnet.”
“We might be able to make a mass spectrometer.”
“This is decided by the feathers on an arrow or a Dunkin Donuts cup.”
“One more thing. What happens when you….[pauses and turns to Yvonne] yes?”
“I want to give you some reading because it’s a good question and I’m not going to ignore it.”
“This is why the magnetic particles prevent life from being eradicated on earth. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
“Your test score is in powder blue.”
“Joe sartorially resplendent Presto, all dressed up.”
"Because of the music trips, I had to do eighteen makeups during class time."
"He was a sheep herder in the hills of Scotland. His only company was sheep."
"This was derived experimentally from the following experiment."
[to a just-waking-up Matt] "I was getting ready to pounce on you."
"What do feathers look like?" [draws an "X" on the board]
"The sine of 90 is always one. That's one 99% of the time."
"This experiment flabbergasted the scientists."
"Shock of all shocks..."
"Let's say we put 1000 volts..."
Perry: "Holy crap!"
Doc J: "That's not much."
"V is perpendicular to V which is perpendicular to F."
[magnet experiment] "When I shut off the current, you would think they would come apart, right? Uh....they did. Let me try this again..."
"We're going to move more swiftly but not rush."
"Some of you may not realize the space shuttle can not be flown without astronauts."
"What does equipotential surface stand for? Equi means equal, potential means potential, and surface means surface."
"Energy is quantized in terms of photons of discrete energy levels."
"Those of you who don't care, that's great. I don't care now either."
"What does this equation tell us? What this equation tells us is a lot."
"By the way, force is a force."
"Shh! Guys, I'm getting ripped! Now."
"Then they said, 'self, what equation gives us more force?'"
"In the bizarro world of physics, 2 + 2 is not necessarily 4."
"If you had an energy field and you sh-sh-shot a self-respecting particle through it..."
"...sinusoidally time varying electric field..."
"Are they related? No, they're the same."
Perry: "What does sinusoidally mean?"
Doc J: "You go to your math teacher and tell him you don't know what sinusoidally means and I'd like to see the size 12 footprint on your ass."
"If you look at a math book, you'll see a weird vector with a hat thingy on it at the end."
"Let us go back to the days of the dinosaurs. The earth had a molten core. It still does. It had lots of volcanic action, and lots of poor, unsuspecting iron."
[talking to Perry after class] "Now, I was going to play a really cruel joke on Erin. You see, I was going to make a memo from the music department saying something like 'three unannounced rehearsals' and sign it and put it on her desk. But I'm not that mean."
"This is the time of year some teachers get annoyed...[pauses and looks right at Joe] Because what?!?!?!?!...never mind."
"One year I gave a test and out of 58 people, there were 33 makeups because of music trips."
"You think it's funny. See how funny it is when you have to make it up and I'll crawl all over you."
"For the next three weeks, 20% of the class will be absent every day."
"I'm just trying to explain why people who are nice turn surly this time of year."
"This capacitor is 0.6 microfarads, this one is 0.4 microfarads..."
Perry: "What's a microfarad?"
Me: "A small rodent."
"In the next 17 days I'll get asked questions--can I go to this music recital? The answer is blank no!"
"I got so fed up with the music department, I was going to go down there with a baseball bat and start clubbing somebody."
"When I heard that, I went off like Mt. Vesuvius!"
"I wanted to do a minute of something or two..."
"I'd like you to read it the words. Do not try to understand everything about this."
[loudly knocks on table with ball]
Brandon: "Who's there?"
Doc J: "Me."
Erica, in a loud, clear voice: "Will there be any resistance on the test?"
Doc J: "OK. Here's the question. Erica asked a question. Is there any resistance on the test? No."
"The equation is derived in all its glory on page 558."
"I'm going to do this pictorally."
"They're emblazoned in yellow."
"We carry the rest along for the ride..."
"First step. We're done. Next step..."
"I'm working myself backward."
[Brandon coughs] Perry: "Shh!!" Doc J: "That's OK. A cough is acceptable."
"All these points are cooked up to the battery..."
"The net result of all the splits must equal the sum."
"They all drop 10 volts, not a different 10 volts, the same 10 volts; all are acrost 10 volts."
"If your head has not exploded [pauses] that's a good sign."
"You drop 10% of your total energy across [holds up Coke bottle] all three of these."
"If you never [pauses] listen carefully. If you never..."
"S'OK? S'all right."
"It requires you pummeling me with questions 'til it makes sense."
"Mike Goodes is absent today." [class laughs] "What's so funny?" Erin: "You said Goodes." Doc "What?" Erin: "You said Goodes instead of Goode." Doc J: "What?" Erin: "You said Goodes." Doc J: "Oh. People from Buffalo always add S's to the ends of words."
“This requires discipline, something some of you lack."
"Please be kind to your fellow brethren."
[checks Brandon's hw] "OK. You're good. You're cooking with gas."
"Next person who says anything will spend 5 minutes in the hall. No further warnings. No questions. So if I go 'shht' and 'shht' [points finger] you're spending 5 minutes of quality time in the hall."
"If you take the altitude of the triangle and find the centroid, it's equidistant from the three points. Centroid."
"A drawing means what is the direction of the electric field."
"Let me draw up and then see if it makes sense."
"Up means up."
"It's R squared, dude."
"We have some wire strippers here."
"You can get them out of this box [holds up a paper grocery bag]"
"You should begin building your robutt."
"You misdrew it."
"College professors. 50% are good, 50% I wouldn't bother to load 'em up with dynamite because it wouldn't be worth it."
"We'll do this tomorrow." [said on a Friday]
"Sorry for the pontification."
"Your final score is in powder blue."
"The additional topics is on the sideboard."
“Uh, uh, uh." [molests bear while talking]
“That's the--that's--that's--that's for--that's..."
“Good question. Here's my answer to that. Uh, no."
“We're gonna do robutts a couple of times this week."
"The balloon sticks to the wall because the water molecules in the wall align themselves..."
“What is grounding? Anything attached to the earth, through a pipe or elsewhere."
“And we have our charged rod and two metal balls...what happens if we remove the balls [makes a yanking motion with his hand]...and what about if we only remove one ball?....or put one over here and the other over here?"
"As Mrs. Bachman used to say, just get notes from someone you trust."
"Yesterday, we went over the chapter 33 worksheet." (no we didn't)
"If you weren't here yesterday, you should get everybody's notes."
"Now, everybody, you are battery..."
"It's basically because physicists are all messed up when it comes to chemistry."
"When it makes sense to explain things in terms of chemistry, I explain things in terms of chemistry. When it makes sense to explain things in terms of physics, I explain things in terms of physics."
"The first two symbols is...[no one talks]...that's right. A battery."
"Any device that stores charge means that the charge can be dumped through your body."
"If you already haven't picked it up..."
Question: "What does P stand for?"
Doc J: "P stands for putting a little positive test charge at point P."
"Take your positive test charge and stick it anywhere you want."
"What is a dipole? Di means two, and pole means pole."
"It starts at the positive targe..."
"There's just a little curvature right here..."
"I went over all these before the holiday break." [what holiday, Doc?]
"In college, I chose the mechanistic approach. I chose to memorize 20 processes instead of 10,000 reactions. You can apply this to everything except Biology. There's no easy way to learn the diference between a tibia and a fibia." [a fibula, maybe?]
"Let me pull out my charged ball."
"Who cares? Spark plugs care. Spark plugs. Spark plugs are what direct the spark in the engine..."
"I drew an ameba surface because I like amebas. [cue class laughing] Now...shh...arright...now...shh..."
"It's like Thunderdome. One electric field line enters, one line leaves. Two men enter, one man leaves."
"Surface area. That's the area of the surface."
"Everybody shut up."

--INTERMISSION--

"No, I didn't get a haircut. I got my ears lowered."
"You'll be doing a research project on this next week." [it's vacation]
"If anyone's doing school week next week you're psychotic."
"If you're a numerologist that might tell you something about my mind."
"Is everybody copacetic with this?"
"I had some trepidations when I saw who was cutting my hair."
"Remember, your R is your R."
"Now the first thing people ask is the good question. What is the good question? I'll tell you when you shut up."
"You've just performed il anillanegal operation."
"We've already calculated the electric field in the Y direction with a mythical number."
“If you put eighteen teen point eight uh nine you'd get eighty-five percent credit. It's ambiguous without a picture."
"The tests were good for the most part. The average grade was 62%."
"No talking. I mean it." (no one was talking when he said this)
"I'm not asking for a pity party."
"Everybody's a critic." (after we showed him he had two number threes on a list)
"You should be able to put one and one...uh...uh...uh...together."
"It's like a video game. If you really understand the rules, you move on. If not, review your notes and the simple book first, then your book."
"Does that answer your question? Are you comfortable?"
"The walls in your house are made of gymsen. A special kind of gymsen. Its CH4 period H2O. Gymsem with water."
"I hope you're enjoying yourselves in the back row. Two of you did so bad on the last test you made me puke. Yes, you made me sick. If you just want to talk, get the hell out of my class."
"I don't care if you learn any physics in here."
"The definition of eeeehhhh [strange noise] electric field."
"We have a mythical charge..."
"That kinda crap makes me feel you don't respect me."
"Some of you who are clowning around are selfish. You'll get fired later in life."
"It says field, which means you should remember force."
"You guys would never understand one of my favorite oldies shows, the Red Fox Show." [O.K...thanks for sharing]
"You may have heard me slip in a few fields over the years."
"It's a force you can feel, which is why it's called a field."
"If you talk, today could be the day you have to spend some quality time with me after school. I'm not joking. The next person I see talking will have detention with me after school for two hours. I have a beautiful prep room. And Mr. Szymanski has a dirty fish tank. It's dirty. It smells like 15-day-old cod and is filled with nitric waste."
"What is a conductor?"
Kuchta: "Someone that controls a train"
Doc J: "I don't want any wise ass answers. I fart on your grave."
"I'm going to be trying some experiments on you guys."
"We trick the poor unsuspecting electrons..."
"You are budding young molecular modelers."
"I'm talking about bondage."
"This one has the fuller shell."
Erin: "That's me."
Doc J: "Right"
"Mrs. Kearney is going to start rolling in her grave. Mrs. Bachman too."
"This is an area I spent over 20 years in. Not this one, but another one."
"These are the nucleuses of copper."
"Don't mess with my fur."
"The flunk out course for lawyers is ethics."
"You're only as good as your next year."
"Then, we're going to put a charged rod next to metal balls."
"I looked it over really quickly but really carefully."
"Do you have problems with any of these two problems?" [Class: "Number Three"'] "Oh, no...I'm on the practice problems." [Class: "we know"]
"This problem is a discussion problem. Why is it a discussion problem? Because it has multiple answers."
"I want you to try and get the answer stipulated."
"This is the standard way is usually normally works."
"Everybody, here we got it."
"If I hear you talking you're going to spend some quality time with me after school." [in the prep room]
"We're doing it this way so you know it right from the front" [perhaps he means "start"]
"d is a word."
Doc J: "Your substitute teacher was Jen Tansey's mom."
Class: "Actually, she's Ryan Tansey's mom."
Doc J: "Oh. I thought by definition they were all related."
"By tomorrow, you should have done the following..."
"Everybody, would you cut out the crap."
"It's identical. Only two things change."
"Now. Who cares? Now."
"I want you to understand that to understand light you need to understand magnetic fields."
"You can't miss it. It's emblazoned with Poiseuille's Law"
"the practice problems I gave you when I was gone..."
"How did they measure flow rate? They put a bucket under the pipe and measured the gallons of water that came flying out of the bucket."
"Was there any questions?"
"sharinow!" (slurs three together)
"Here are the characteristics of simple fluids. First, they must, must, must flow in a straight line. Second, they must not flow in a curved line."
"It's a pain in the buttinsky."
"If you're enjoying yourself, enjoy yourself quietly." (oh, man...")
"I need quiet. Quiet is...just what I said. Quiet means quiet."
"There are at least 65 field trips planned through the rest of the year."
"Over 50% of the class was here yesterday and knows this stuff."
Arright, Now, everybody. Notice. Shh!"
"Arright. Shh. Everybody good? Shh!"
"Do you buy the following..."
"This ice cube is under water." [Perry: 'Is that an ice cube?'] "Yes it is."
"You will not be responsible for deriving this equation." [forgot who: 'do we need to know how to derive it?'] "No you don't."
"The deepness is..."
"Everybody I know buys the fact..."
"If you were not here yesterday..."
"You have a full tank of water. It is completely full."
"It was a real big one point curve."
"I was a lousy memorizerer."
"No joke. You think I'm joking but I'm not. Now shh! Alright. Now shh!"
"Allison, you just have one more problem to make up. [looks up] She's not here today. No fault of her own. She wasn't feeling well. She just has to make up one more problem. It's no fault of her own."
[after he wakes up Joe Stiles] "Now...I don't like people laughing at other people...shh! [we're now laughing at him] shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh! [class is lauging even harder] now...shh....please...shh!"